So with the intention of giving you, my blog-reader, genuine value, I've decided to post on a subject of which my credentials are impeccable, something which I have deep and penetrating knowledge of, something which none of you can doubt I know exactly what I'm talking about - being unpublished.
The truth is, any idiot can get published - all it takes is hard-work and dedication - what's really hard is staying true to yourself, releasing the unpolluted, artistic genius inside you - when every one else is prostituting themselves to the fickle whims of the general.
Stanislavski once said that you need to love the art within yourself, not yourself within the art. Tracey Emin said, I am my art. Who you going to believe?
Here are my tips on keeping it real and staying unpublished.
Write an inaccessible and unreadable novel
To be truly great, a novel must be impossible to read, and while a whole book could be written about how to achieve this, a genuine artist hasn't got time to read, so I'll give some easily digestible tips on how to do it.
Focus on the first page, if you get this right, the reader won't read past it, and you can put any old drivel beyond it. The key is to make the writing dull, flat and lifeless - take the essential elements of drama, and avoid them at all costs. There's no place here for character or story, description, foreshadowing, atmosphere or intrigue - include these, and people may be inclined to read on - besides, these things require knowledge of craft, craft implies work and is therefore menial, and not the objective of the true artist.
You'll often hear the maxim 'show don't tell', but a genuine artist knows this is poppycock - a genuine artist tells it how it is, because he knows best right?
Here's an example of a great opening line - 'The person attended the event, and felt nothing at all.' This succeeds on so many levels - a character is introduced, but we learn nothing about them, there is a complete absence of description; something happens, but we don't know what. The narrative voice tells us what the character feels, and it's nothing at all. So much achieved with so little. Genius.
Free yourself from restrictive synopsis expectations
Despite all this, there's still always the possibility that someone will hail your novel as a post-modern masterpiece and thereby compromise your cult-following of one, so best to head that popularity off at the pass with a truly artistic synopsis.
The good news is, if you've followed my advice in the previous section, it will be nigh impossible to write a traditional synopsis as nothing will actually happen in your story. Still, you need to write something, so this is the place to indulge back-story and description (preferably static), maybe even include a flash-back or background that has no real relevance to the MS - also, try to focus on secondary characters, or characters that don't even turn up in the MS - you're a creative writer, be creative.
Create a truly unique query letter
Mainstream advice will encourage you to pitch your novel first in your query, but we're not talking mainstream, we're talking integrity, so you need to make the entire query about yourself. It's also worth remembering that agents work for you - so I'd suggest pointing this out to them as early as possible in the query. Remember, without you, they're nothing. For a really powerful touch try severing a body-part and including that in the submission pack - if that doesn't convince them of your artistic credentials, nothing will.
Hopefully, there's some method in this madness.